Release…

The living room vibrated with some unseen, leashed emotions. The moment he entered he could sense the shift in atmosphere. After a day well spent with his friends he was in a mood to watch some sports on TV, have some late dinner, check his emails and go to sleep. But the sudden tingling at the back of his neck alerted him to some ominous vibrations. Then he saw her sitting in the arm chair. His wife.  She was the same yet she seemed different. She was calm, almost frozen but with a serenity  at odds with her usual busy self. He went on with his usual routine but could sense her watching him. He couldn’t bear the silence which he was afraid heralded something  menacing.

“Let’s have some coffee,” she said, not asked. A telling sign and unusual because she was used to asking courteously. The hot coffee gave her dry throat moist courage to pour out the words she had kept on a  tight leash for so long.

She said, “I know you want to relax and enjoy the rest of the day but this one time I am requesting you to spend this evening with me because what I want to share with you requires your complete and undivided attention. Please”. Well, the mask of authority almost disguised her frightened and dead emotions yet could not camouflage her innate sense of courtesy, even now. He sat opposite her giving her some space for comfort. He did not say a word and with a slight nod gave her the signal to continue.

“It’s strange for me to sit and have a chat with you as we have never done this before but not because of my lack of trying. Pardon me, but I don’t know where to start”, she was unnerved and her shaking hands almost gave her away. He knew whatever it was she wanted to say must be of paramount importance for her to act out of her usual character. In reality, he knew she was telling the truth about them never spending any time together/ He almost always rejected her subtle invitations under the pretext of  other commitments. He patiently awaited the monologue. Taking a deep breath, she looked at him for an instance with emotionless eyes and uttered softly, “I am leaving”. Just three soft words which were initially not registered but the impact hit him soon enough. He stared at her uncomprehendingly. “I have not taken this decision lightly. Five years of marriage is not a small quantity by any means but considering the quality of our relationship it means almost nothing.”

“If we had a love marriage maybe things would have been different. With our arranged marriage, I was always hoping that love would build slowly and steadily. But the courtship was itself almost non existent. You hardly communicated with me and the glow of a newly-in-love couple was missing. I considered myself a practical person and was always finding plausible excuses for such a strange relationship as well for your ennui. You never gave me a chance to know you or allowed yourself to know me when in fact your social networking included many friends of both genders which led me to think that it must be I who restricted your warmth. In this age of  instant communication, we never even said a simple hello for many days/weeks. But I was too enamoured to see the signs. By the time the wedding arrived, I knew it was not a match made-in-heaven. I wanted to confront you and ask you whether you wanted to opt out of the marriage but then I could not muster sufficient guts to rock the boat or mess with parents’ expectations.”

Taking another sip of coffee, she continued with eyes seeing nothing, “After marriage I still clung to the hope that maybe after the initial hiccups, things would work out. But the honeymoon was a sign of things to come. It was merely physical as if it was a ritual to be completed. I gave myself whole heartedly believing that men unlike women are more physical than emotional in nature. Maybe the physical relationship would pave the way to a better emotional bonding. No, I am not complaining about the physical aspect. You always took utmost care to make it easy for me in the initial unknown days. People say that once the honeymoon is over, things start getting real, but for us the honeymoon never even started. Back home, I was reduced to just a piece of furniture. Great for comfort and convenience  but not for emotional attachment. I tried to believe that if I was open and loving with you maybe you would slowly let go of your barriers.”

“But no, I was never a part of your life. I never knew when you would come and go, and still don’t for that matter. My feeble attempts to call you and ask were cut short with a curt “I am in meeting”.  We never went out ever except for marriages and religious functions. On many occasions when I suggested an outing, I was snubbed and made to feel as if I was wasteful of your money. But what you did not wish to hear was that an outing was just a means of spending not money but time with you. I was given jewels as gifts or maybe as investments on yearly appraisal but I was not even wished on my birthday. My expectations were very simple but you ignored them. I would make occasions special for you but you were always critical about them. So much, that I stopped celebrating. You always made commitments to meet up your friends leaving me alone in an empty house. ”

“Remember the time when you had just come back from a enjoyable evening  with your friends from your college reunion party?” she asked tentatively. He was listening in stricken silence and could merely nod. “Taking my courage in hands, I finally cornered you into giving me the reason for such a loveless relationship. You told me not to think about it seriously and it was merely my over imagination playing games. But finally after pleading and relentless questioning, you replied, I was a compromise for you. Not exactly what you had in mind but given the family pressure and the non availability of a desired partner in sight, you had consented to marry me”. After this reply you went on to sleep fitfully without ever thinking of the blow it dealt me. My hopes came crashing down. My dreams of a loving and understanding husband, shared laughter and pain, an emotional bonding with a soul mate were shattered and yet you never cared to find out the reason for my almost non existent conversation, my slow tread towards silence, my attempt to forget my misery by involving in activities that engaged all my attention, . You did not even notice when the ring on my finger went back to its box. The only thing tangible was the clinical precision to sate physical desires.”

“I know you are a good person. A good, caring man. You have never ill treated me or made me want for material things. You have never broken your promises because you never made them in the first place. But two good people need not necessarily make a good relationship. The spark was never between us. We live in the same house but our lives run parallel to each intersected only by some physical relief. I know you are capable of giving all your love, care and attention to the right person. I have abundance to give but you do not want it and I want to have that love but you do not want to give it. I know it must not have been easy for you to compromise. And I would never blame you for the static relationship we have. After all, how can I blame you and find you culpable knowing that there was fundamentally something wrong right from the start in our relationship? Yet I consented to marry you hoping to create miracles. In my belief to create  a miracle, I even changed my nature to suit you, forgetting that superficiality can only build something false and time bound because someday my own nature will struggle to break free. But then you also don’t deserve someone whom you don’t know, or rather you don’t want to know.”

She put the cup down and looked at him. There was no surprise or shock on his face. Rather a resigned acceptance. She heaved a sigh of relief. “I have already packed my bags and cleared my possessions. All my gold or rather our gold is still in the safe. There is no question of joint documents as you had always ensured that we were always independent of each other. In a way I am grateful as there was nothing much to clear from our so called abode together. The only things I am taking with myself are my clothes, my certificates and my passport. We never created any memories. And don’t worry about the parents. I will deal with them. You will never be made the scapegoat and you will always be held in high esteem by them. I promise you that.”

Just one thing before I leave. You always told me that I was a compromise for you.But you never asked me whether I wanted to be a compromise for someone.”

“Take care. And make yourself a new life. The same way I will without compromising this time because subtle it maybe but there is a fundamental difference between compromise and love.”