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Umberto Eco says, “To survive you must tell stories.” So here goes mine.

This month is dedicated to my last breakup. Through the month I shall celebrate the relationship that I have come to call as the ‘Process of Disintegration,’ of what I used to call,’dreams.’ I was brought up believing in Cinderella and Prince Charming. And no I don’t have anyone to blame, I chose them on my own. I am the reason for my own peril.

Any way, coming back to the point, to ` The Break-Up!’ About a year back. the love of my life decided that well….I wasn’t the love of his life. Needless to say all hell broke loose and I was devastated and destroyed and the skies came crashing down on my poor shoulders, my heart was broken and my self-respect murdered and so on.

Then came the time, when I was aimless, life was pointless and dreams sleepless. I did what most people don’t do … everything! I was so desperate to be happy, that even if there was a faint glimmer that doing a certain thing would amount to some amount of happiness… I went ahead and participated. In all the doing and undoing, the most important thing was to look for a,’driving factor.’  A reason that would give me some direction, something that took me from one day to the next. And then the lessons came..

I believe its the relationships that break…are the one’s that make you.

And so it happened that a friend in college in Mumbai, spoke about her friend from Africa, who knew someone from Bangalore, who was doing a course in Scotland. And that’s it! Eureka! I decided this course was what I wanted to do, this was my single point focus. Reason being: I always wanted to study English and I always wanted to study in Europe, so I am going to Scotland to study English. Simple!

Not so simple! But what about marriage, what about a house with a white picket fence and two.. no three wait four … (okay a certain amount of children). What about those dreams?

Those dreams, they are gone now. I no longer believe in perfect relationships, neither am I a sucker for fairytales. Somewhere I feel I was trying to hide behind the Knight in Shining Armour(read: loser in tin foil) in order to escape the harshness of reality and to escape  practicality.

Today, I would like to  evaluate what’s worth the risk and what’s not, what you should cry for and what you need to let go.

I have dreams now too, but real ones, the ones I can somehow with a miracle  realise. The ones that involve me doing something to get somewhere. Not the ones where I want to hide behind Mr.Right or where I am so scared of loneliness and so will tie myself to the next  loser who happens to walk up the road.

Do I want to get married?Hell yeah! Do I want children? One? Two? Yeah two! But before that I want to do something for myself, I want to go to Scotland, and study English…walk around and be all “Pretty in a sundress”.

There will be enough time to find Mr.Right, hopefully he is finding me as we speak, but I don’t want to die thinking, “there was a degree I wanted to get, but got caught in the normal rut and forgot all about it.”

Will I ever get there? I don’t know! I don’t have the money, nor the air ticket.

Although, I do have a dream. For now, that is enough.

 

Zahra Husain likes to live and think in ways she  is not supposed to and she blogs at http://peepingjeans.wordpress.com/