I am using the present continuous tense here instead of the past tense, because I feel I lose something every day.
This past year I have won a lot of trophies and also lost a lot of relationships. And while victories have taught me about hope and faith, it is the loses that have reinforced the most important life lesson – Letting go.
I often think about how society always emphasizes on ‘trying harder’, ‘never giving up’ and ‘true success lies in a never ending pursuit’… I wish a little time was devoted to ‘it’s okay to stop trying’, ‘sometimes you have to let go’ and ‘losing is not as bad’.
As a first born child I have always carried the burden of having to be ‘exceptional’… somehow my parents don’t have those kind of expectations from my siblings, and while it can be motivating most times, it can also be very destabilizing. I remember being told that second or third wasn’t an option, it wasn’t as good, that 70% was average and I wasn’t doing enough. This thought was fed to me day in and day out until it became an integral part of being. This integral part can now be called “insecurity”, the constant fear of not being good enough.
The first big loss came to be in the form of a suspension letter, because I attempted to copy in an exam during my undergraduate years. I was suspended for a year and had to re-appear for all my exams. This appeared as nothing less than the ‘end of the world’ to my mother, my father on the other hand reacted very differently. All he said was, “You have made a mistake and now you have to pay for it”. Coming from a man of whom I have been scared for most part of my life, from a man for whom 44/50 wasn’t a good enough score, this was a total surprise.
The ensuing months weren’t easy, neither was the whispering in the college hallways every time I walked by or the nickname given to me in the Administrative office.. ‘Copy Case’. But I got through it, sometimes with my head held high and sometimes hiding in the last benches. Today it’s a funny story for me, a shock for most people who know me as a straight ‘A’ student. The episode taught me one thing, sometimes you have to lose a year (maybe even more) to gain a perspective and a sense of humour.
The second big loss was when the ‘Love of my life’ called off our two year engagement over a text message that was addressed to my parents. Until then I believed ‘Love was enough’. Today I know, that sometimes it isn’t. I hated difficult conversations, mostly wanted to brush unpleasant fights under the carpet. Have I recovered from it? Maybe yes, or maybe I never will. I don’t know, each day the same question has a different answer. It still pains though, to think about it. The heart actually physically hurts (to which a friend once said, “drink water, it just means you are dehydrated”).
Letting go of that relationship was perhaps one of the biggest challenges life has thrown at me. In the end though, I know in my heart that it was the best thing for both of us, the boy and the me.
There is a part of you that shuts down every time you let go of something. A part of you that literally goes, “never doing that again”. It isn’t so much about “never doing it again” as it is about “doing it right the next time around.”
Life has given me both victories and losses. The victories have lasted for a couple of hours – a cup, a job, a certificate. It’s the losses that have really stuck on. That have contributed to the depth in character and some very expensive lessons.
Life then perhaps is not about what we win, it could just be about how we deal with losses.
Zahra Husain likes to live and think in ways she is not supposed to and she blogs at http://www.zahrasays.com