Valsa Mathew: A Tribute

I did not know Valsa Mathew but sometimes, you do not need to know a person too well to imbibe instantly and with absolute certainty that there is something very special about her. I first saw Valsa nearly a decade or so ago when accompanied by my mother, I went to her son Vivek Mathew’s debut show as a photographer. The first thing that struck anyone who saw her for the first time was her dignity and elegance. But what impressed me even more than her obvious beauty was just how different she was from pushy and aggressive parents I routinely encountered as a reporter. She refused to hover around her son and interrupt the conversation to praise him and his work or ensure that what I was going to write was positive. But she was there and in the years to come, I saw her at every show and event important to Vivek. I also realised something else during that first fleeting encounter. Valsa would always play a big part in shaping her child. But without being forceful or intrusive. I was a young mother then and also sensed just how much courage it must have taken her to guide Vivek to a career that is not conventional. To send him to a photography school in Ooty when most parents want their children to choose safe vocations.

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I don’t know Vivek too well either but whatever little I know of him on social media and otherwise, underscores his solid upbringing. He is the first one to greet his friends on birthdays. The first one to offer help if you need a contact, a lead, or information for a story. The first one to apologise if he thinks he has offended someone. The first one to thank you for making the time to attend his shows or write about them. The first one to send greetings on Diwali, Christmas and new year. If you are at Koshy’s with a friend, which also happens to be Vivek’s favourite haunt, he will come up and say, “hello” like the polite child he is. But he is his own person too. He has strong opinions about religion and politics and has often offended those entrenched in dogmatic belief systems. And I marvel at his mother who despite being intensely spiritual, let him be to speak his mind.

And so, it came as a shock to me when on the morning of February 22, I saw Vivek’s post on Facebook about Valsa’s demise. My emotions were raw already because my father’s death anniversary also falls on February 22. As a parent too, I imagined with a rush of pain, just how Valsa would have dealt with the prospect that she was no longer going to be around to watch over her son and daughter. A few days later, I found myself walking into her memorial service and suddenly I felt a little bit of the energy that I had sensed around her when I first met her. A sense of centered calm, of peace. As I waited for the family to arrive, I observed bunches of white roses, a banner bidding her goodbye, Valsa’s friends and relatives quietly assembling to see her off, someone strewing petals on the space where her coffin was to be placed. Then the family arrived. And so did she. And the memories and tears and hymns began to flow. I did not know anything about Valsa’s life but a faint picture began to emerge from the tributes. The joyful mother devoted to her children, walking them through childhood, teenage and adulthood with sensitive perceptiveness of what they needed and when. The beautiful aesthete who loved to dress up even during a visit to the hospital and kept an impeccable home. A gourmet cook. A generous supporter of causes she believed in. A playful, loving Valsamma to her niece.  An enthusiastic traveller. And someone who guarded her privacy till the end. Someone whose battle with cancer was as personal as everything else in her life. Whether she was feeding guests, caring for her kids or helping someone in need, she never faked a single emotion. She was the real deal. Authentic. Deep.

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But nothing summed her up quite so well as the tributes of her children. Vivek penned this for Valsa,”My mom fought cancer like a soldier. She had a strong mind and was very determined. She took care of her diet and really fought this illness. Our relationship got even deeper during this time as we decided to travel a lot. We travelled to see different places and we would always visit a new place around her birthday. My mom never wanted any sympathy from people and also told me to keep her battle with cancer private. She fought and lived on her own terms. Only a few people close to her knew that she was unwell.”

Valsa’s legacy of integrity, kindness and honesty will now guide her kids as unobtrusively but surely as she herself did when she was around. And that is how I will always remember her. As a beautiful, reassuring presence. Never Intrusive. But never too far.