Despite the rotten eggs we’ve been chucking at them year after year, television channels continued to bombard our bedrooms with unbearable nonsense in 2013 as well. The serials were absolute rubbish which is why we didn’t watch them at all. The reality shows were fake and scripted so we’re not wasting time reviewing those either. That leaves us with news and interviews. And, sorry to say this, but these guys didn’t exactly delight us with their wit and wisdom either. Therefore, ladies and gentlemen, for your reading pleasure, we shall be honouring the star bores of television 2013 with the UMUP awards (you made us puke). There will be some hearty cheers too for those who deserve it and here goes the honour roll:
Painter Of The Year: Barkha Dutt
She introduced us to weird shades of lipsticks, strange hair styles and smudged eyes that often brimmed over with tears (a sudden Radiagate memory perhaps that made the finger shake and poke the stuff right in?) After haunting the ridges of Kargil and hobnobbing with soldiers going to war, for some time Barkha went for the no makeup look which actually worked for her. But alas! Like most other women anchors, she soon discovered foundations, smudgy eyeliners, lip liners and their ilk and went completely berserk painting herself a brand new (though equally scary) face. Apparently noone’s telling her where the brush stops where makeup is concerned. Barkha, unless you are giving a Kathakali dance recital, you don’t use the entire contents of a bottle/tube in one sitting.
Fright Of The Year : “Chain Se Sona Hai Toh Bhaag Jao…”
Giving Barkha stiff competition in the scary face and dark eyes department was the anchor of Sansani (yes, “chain se sona hai toh jag jao”). With his flashing kohl rimmed eyes, strange hair and equally weird wardrobe, the bearded monster finished a close second, despite notching extra points for voice modulation and revolting screen presence.
Almost There Of The Year: Sagarika Ghosh
She almost won our first prize with her absolutely rotten collection of saris and touching loyalty to the gali ka darzi who has been cutting sleeves off her mommy’s ill fitting blouses for her show after show.
Ham Of The Year: Arnab Goswani
Or-knob go-get-‘em Goswami hammed every other news anchor into oblivion by getting so angry with guests that he stopped short only of flinging studio furniture at them. Raving, ranting and ferociously wagging his eyebrows to express his anger, Or-knob this year took the pants and eardrums off political leaders, debauched editors, holy men with unholy libidos and bully nations. It’s common knowledge now that when the city sleeps Superjourno flies overhead and with his glasses glinting in the moonlight, zips into open windows to pick up CAG reports, copies of FIRs and other incriminating evidence. He then accosts guilty parties with these papers in the Times Now studio while harshly lambasting them in Dolby surround sound.
Aamir Khan appeared on the Karan Johar show in pants that ended at ankles and closely followed the shape of his calves making us wonder if he had borrowed wifey Kiran’s leggings. Kiran contributed to bringing the award home by turning up in her hideous glasses and a body hugging frilly blouse that hadn’t made up its mind about whether it wanted to be a shirt or a frock.
Thank you for nothing Idiot Box 2013. Keep up the rotten work. This year too please help us pick dinner leftovers from our teeth in sheer boredom, poke fingers in our noses for lack of anything better to do and pull our quilts over our heads and go to sleep. Happy New Year!
Disclaimer: The writer stopped watching television a few years back and writes TV reviews only to vent her frustrations.