So there’s a term for an unnamed ache. Ambiguous loss.

Such a loss leaves behind sharp objects, doesn’t it?  Memories.  The ones that made us feel something for the first time like in forever.

There’s something compelling about this  grandiosity that makes us see ourselves with new eyes as we say;

“I was a bright poppy in a field”
“I am Jesus Christ superstar”
“Bada vakil banunga”

I am no different of course. Wanted to be the President of a country and am still convinced that I have something to say about mental health that no one else can.

So while studying co-dependent relationships. I learnt a bit about Necissism. Necessary-narcissism. Difficult to learn for a woman in  patriarchy, perhaps even more difficult for a man. But necessary for self-preservation if you have a nodding acquaintance with the dance between a narcissist and an enabler/co-dependent person.

The narcissists will idealise you, aka love bombing, then devalue you, thereby reenacting an extremely addictive unconscious dynamic that you have been part of since you were this high. Instead of going to therapy, you are looking to resolve your daddy-mommy-me issues in these draining relationships.

Is there hope for such damaged folks? For you and me?

A week ago, I would have said, no. The wiring is too deep,  we have a barbed wire around our hearts and maybe you and I will never find love.

But when we learn a pattern, we can break it, right? Dare I hope that all the work we do to learn from every heart injury has been enough? That I’ve learnt my lessons and so have you? That this time, it will be different? In accepting that there are plus sides to loss and learning that “the process of decay is inherent in the act of creation”, can we be both hopeful and rational?

Can I accept  that  I am already in a different reality?

When I am authentic, self aware and able to  articulate what I want,  I will attract the same kind of energy. And so will you.

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Aqseer is a Delhi based psychotherapist specialising in healing insecure attachment styles. She is the founder of an initiative called Aaina that has recently launched it’s free, anonymous peer-support community at www.aaina.reddit.com. Visit their website for individual therapy and workshop bookings at www.aainatherapy.com