It’s that time of the year once again when we catch up with television celebs who brought into our bedrooms the most unbearable rubbish. Guys and gals, you nearly killed us when we went banging our heads against our television screens. For that you get some new year resolution suggestions that might make us like you (more).
Arnab Goswami – Also goes by the name Or-knob (for his striking resemblance to a door knob). The guy who couldn’t be Superman was thrown out of auditions for rudely demanding why his character shouldn’t be called Clark Can instead of Clark Kent.
New year resolution: I will not scream at people demanding “ANSWERS”.
The poster boy of Times Now uses his TV show and eloquent frog eyes to scare politicians by venting out frustration that has built up inside him for not being able to fulfill his childhood dream of wearing his underwear on top of his slacks and flying across the planet battling evil. The man “who still hasn’t found what he’s looking for” now wears a frown, a dark suit, nau nambar ke chashme and has transformed himself into the enraged crusader for India’s snoozing middle class.
Arnab’s modus operandi is to invite villains to his show, lock them up in small rectangular boxes, distract them by violently waving sheets of paper in their faces (claiming shrewdly that they are CAG/CBI/other-terrible-sounding reports), while fixing them with a hateful hypnotic stare. While they cringe in terror, he suddenly shouts “I WANT ANSWERS” in their ears in glass shattering decibels and converts them into quivering masses of jelly. It has been reliably learnt that the channel has ENT specialist on call facility. Panelists often have to be taken out on stretchers with eardrum damage. Some have had to be hospitalized with damaged vocal chords after they tried to outshout Arnab (quite unsuccessfully, of course).
Karan Thapar – The anchor who believes he was born to be obnoxiously rude to the world
New year resolution: I shall make peace with the devil within, loosen my tie and retire.
There have been hushed whispers in secret circles that Karan Thapar is not theDevil’s Advocate but the devil incarnate. Some claim that he is, in fact, a 500 year old vampire who has attained eternal old age by feeding on human blood. And that he sleeps in an old creaky wooden casket in the day time and walks into the CNN IBN newsroom only around 8.30 pm, salivating for flesh and gore. Since physical violence is not permitted on national television, Karan orally drags his interviewees across sharp craggy edged blades of broken glass till they scream for mercy. We want a break from Count Karan who has been showing us the dark, spine-chilling journalist-eats-all-others side of the world ever since he managed to slink into a TV studio on a moonless night. Karan, please go back to that old castle in Transylvania where you came from and take a nap in your casket for the next 500 years with your pet wolves.
Salman Khan: The star who has made sleepwalking on shows and mumbling meaningless rubbish (that only he has the IQ to understand) a style statement.
New year resolution: I shall not come to the Big Boss show with ants in my pants.
Salman Khan has been showing up for the Bigg Boss show in pants so tight that fans suspect they belong to sis-in-law Malaika and have landed in his wardrobe in a family dhobi goof up. The result is that in his stifling discomfort he twitches and twists and wriggles all over the stage making funny sounds with his eyes popping out. The saddest repercussion of this wardrobe malfunction has been that it is sprouting clones on other television shows where small time wannabe actors have started aping the big star blindly not understanding the real reason for his Chulbul Pande type dance moves.
Ram Kapoor – TV’s fattest (also Tom Cruise for middle aged couch potatoes of the fairer sex who have still not stopped deep breathing over that nauseating errr..bad-room scene)
New year resolution: I shall not pile on the kilos just because I want to audition for the roles of footballs, elephants and rhinos.
Method actor Ram Kapoor, big (pun intended) star of the Ekta Kapoor serialBade Acche Lagte Hain, has been growing larger than life in more ways than one. Kapoor confesses that he could never lose the weight he put on many years back to audition for the football’s role in Bend it like Beckham. Last heard Ram Kapoor had to be bumped off the serial Bade Acche Lagte Hain since only half of him could fit into the small screen.
Archana Puran Singh – Once sexy debutante of Jalwa who has shape shifted into a Female Govinda clone.
New year resolution: I will not fake laughter at jokes that don’t even merit a smile.
She is, most definitely, being paid per laugh which is why Archana Puran Singh guffaws like a woman gassed with nitrous oxide on Comedy Circus, a television show that should be re titled Tragedy Circus due to its pathetic content. The sad old show has run out of laughs after burning out once talented guys like VIP, Sudesh, Kapil and Krishna. Regular watchers tend to weep into their hand towels and suffer hallucinations where they are chased by the big biceped screeching Archana down dark alleys.
The two ugly, bald guys on Roadies – Since the only word that describes them cannot be used on family blogs, we shall skip an introduction.
New year resolution: We shall rinse our mouths with soap, grow our hair long (and comb it over our faces)
Sorry we’ve forgotten your names guys and would also like to forget that you exist. If at all, you still feel the urge to strut and swear around Roadies, that crappy show on MTV that you host, grow your hair and style it over your faces. You guessed it. We don’t want to be reminded each time that your faces are as deplorable as your manners.
With that dear readers we come to the end of ‘TV’s most pathetic’. To disappointed wannabes like Barkha Dutt, Rajat Sharma, Sakshi Tanwar, Ranvijay etc, who couldn’t make it there this time, we’d just like to say: don’t go wiping your noses on your designer dress sleeves, guys. You’re downright pathetic too but we only had space for so many. Better luck next year! May the worst continue to win.
Rachna Bisht-Rawat is a journalist and writer. She is also mom to a nine-year-old and gypsy wife to an Army officer whose work takes the Rawats to some of the most remote corners of India. You can read her blog at rachnabisht.com