How can a mother forget the gentle kicks of her child in her womb as she swims in her mother’s love? How can a mother forget the moment she first laid eyes on her child and how the child then became much more than just an integral and inseparable part of her life?
Inseparable?
Yes, mothers and children experience ‘separation anxiety’ every time they have to stay apart even for a brief period. The thought of not even seeing the mother could be very stressful for the child and it could lead to anything from crying to bitter sobbing to irritable tantrums.
One such phase occurs when your toddler first goes to school. It’s a very difficult period for many mothers and children alike; especially those who live in a nuclear family with the mother as the primary care giver. In many cases, it is just the mother who is with her children 24×7; when they laugh, when they cry, when they are hungry, when they are sleepy. It’s the mother who understands their babbling, their fears.
So someone else (teacher or care taker) replacing the mother triggers a panic like no other. How does one tackle this ‘separation anxiety’? There are certainly no rules because each child is different and many times children tend to surprise you in most mysterious ways. But here are a few things you could do to reassure your child.
1. Advance preparation: Talk to your child about the wonders that await them in schools along with loving teachers. Talk to them about a whole new world that will be theirs from now on.
2. No blackmail: Do not use phrases like, “if you don’t do this, I will leave you alone” or “you will be all by yourself.” It tends to stress them out and every time you go out of sight they will tend to think that you will never come back!
3. Gradual initiation: Make it a habit to leave your child with your spouse or a trusted friend for brief periods saying that you will be back soon so they understand that you may need to leave but will return. Keep the good byes short else they will tug at your defenses with their insecurities.
4. Arrange for play dates as often as you can: Invite older kids who they like to play with so they get used to the idea of making friends and playing with them. They will also learn to share their toys and a space that was only theirs so far.
5. Keep your promises: Once at school, tell them that you will be back at a specific time –when the school bell rings or when playtime is over or when the teacher says that it’s time to go home. But be sure that you are there as promised so that a routine is established or else they will find it hard to trust you every time you leave. This also helps to make your bond stronger and more secure.
6. Toughen up: Do not linger outside the school thinking, “what if my child cries?” I know it’s hard to hear your child cry and to resist the desire to rush back but trust the teachers to take care of your child well. Do not go back when the child is crying or disturbed. For they will believe that every time they cry, you will appear magically! As crazy as this may sound, children tend to get “manipulative” and cry louder and louder till you are back, hugging them, wiping their tears, giving them exactly what they want; the constant presence of their mother.
7. Don’t make their opinions for them: Do not frighten them by turning teachers into scary figures of authority. For instance, if they are fussy about food, do not tell them that if they don’t eat, the teacher will shout or be angry. If they start fearing the teachers, they will never want to go to them.
9. Time and patience: Give them time and cultivate patience. Do not compare them with kids who are settled in their school routine without any problems. Sometimes such behavior is genetic – if there is a family history of anxiety and not taking pressure too well, it trickles down to the child as well.
Once the children start enjoying a world outside your sheltering warmth, there’s no looking back. They will then march towards a world where they will learn to be their own people. And they will do so with the knowledge that their loving and secure bond with you is intact and that their mother will be always there for them, no matter where there go.
Artwork courtesy: Kruti Kothari. She can be reached at kruti.kothari5@gmail.com
Vaishali Shroff is a freelance writer and editor and runs a reading club for children in Pune. Her work has been published in over 10 titles of the Chicken Soup India Series and her children’s stories can be read at smories.