Overly critical of ourselves, we are often busy either keeping up with the latest fads or working hard at refuting them. Every woman I know is fighting her own battle to break some kind of societal convention. I usually find myself at war with the concept of “what is good and right?” versus “what society thinks is good and right?”
Having struggled with low self-esteem for years, blaming myself for anything was as easy as breathing to me. But once I took a break from jumping from one relationship into the next I realised that something was not right! I desperately needed to repair the relationship I had with myself. It is so easy to put yourself aside and consider everyone else (read: boyfriend/ husband/ family/ society) while making a decision not because you are so giving but because that way when things go wrong you have others to blame for your decision. Feeling sorry for yourself at that point becomes a natural reaction and not something you have to explain to yourself.
Here’s something I encourage myself to do every day:
Have you been selfish today? If not then do something only for yourself.
Battling loneliness that comes with waiting for the right person to arrive can be a daunting task. Especially when everyone around you is posing in designer wedding dresses or popping cute little babies. You wonder at what point you got left behind in the race. The answer to that question will come. One fine day!
It came to me while I was walking down a street in Turkey on my first solo trip and a ‘married’ friend messaged me saying she would happily trade places with me. In that moment I realised: I wasn’t left behind in the race, somewhere along the line I had started to run a different race altogether. I can’t tell you which race is better, but ever since the realisation, I have been having the time of my life running the one I am running.
After I succeeded in keeping myself happy for 10 days at a stretch in Turkey, I realised I could lengthen the process. No matter what the situation in life, the responsibility of keeping me happy is firmly placed on my shoulders ONLY.
I did have a melt down on the eighth day in Istanbul. The crowd on Taksim Square overwhelmed me (strange coming from someone who lived in Bombay for six years), so much so that on reaching the hotel room (which took me an hour to find on foot, with two big bags, one of which wobbled) and break down. I did that. I sat in a hotel room in an alien country and cried my eyes out. Then I got up, went for a shower, blow dried my hair and went out and had fun.
Sounds familiar right? This whole process of picking yourself up and dusting yourself down. You have done it, more often than not while you were in a relationship. So doing it while alone shouldn’t be such a big deal. We make it that. Walking…falling…walking is the most natural process in life. That’s how we learned to move ahead as babies.
I love myself today more than I ever have because I have stopped being overly critical of myself. I know my short comings and I work on them, but I don’t beat myself up for them. We make so many exceptions for those we love, let go of issues, make compromises. We ought to extend the courtesy to ourselves.
I met a friend who taught me how to be selfish. It’s the best thing I have learned.
Years ago I read this poem by Derek Walcott, and even today it still strikes a chord deep within me.
LOVE AFTER LOVE
The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other’s welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was yourself.
All of us need work; it wouldn’t be natural to be perfect. But while you are in the process of doing that, don’t forget to be yourself, be yourself relentlessly. I remind myself to do that every day. So should you.
Zahra Husain likes to live and think in ways she is not supposed to and she blogs at http://www.zahrasays.com