In my home in Patiala, I had designed a little wall ornament with painted cherries and a quote, ”Enough is as good as a feast.” That statement comes back to me at the end of each year when I take stock of not what I earned but what I learned over a span of 365 days. With time, I have realised the need to declutter thoughts, possessions, relationships and life goals. I need just enough from life, not more or less. And there is the recognition that everyday, a certain amount of grace is needed to get through the wear and tear of living. And graciousness in the way we treat others and the way they treat us. And also in the way we treat ourselves.
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In retrospect, that was my theme this year. How do I treat myself? And so I reclaimed myself mind, body and soul, a few inches at a time and the process is not complete but there is a road map in place with milestones I want to reach.
And the life lessons came thick and fast and some of them are listed below:
Our body listens to us: It does. It hears everything. Words of shame, love, loathing, the inner chatter about how beautiful, ugly, sad , happy, peaceful, stressed, lovable, unlovable, tired, energised, sick or healthy we feel. It is a living thing, our body and it becomes whatever we teach it to be with our thoughts, actions and emotions. This year, I started learning Yoga and a few months into the practice, I can see a little muscle definition in my thin arms and in my thoughts as well.
Excess baggage comes at a cost: There are days when I want to bite the heads off people I thought I had forgiven and moved past and realise that the human body is a repository of everything we have been through and when we don’t address emotions, they become aches, allergies, sudden outbursts of inexplicable anger. Yoga helps you to release each grudge, each fear, each pointless pile of residual negativity. It also teaches you to be you. So this year, at some point I learnt how to stand up for myself, recognise disrespectful behaviour and leave behind people and situations that were not investing anything positive in my life. I am listening a lot more to my body. And to my emotions. And they are in a much better shape now than when I started this year.
It is okay to do less : I quit a full time job recently and realised that for years, I have been chasing deadlines, serving short term goals that define my day but not my life. It has been tough to take time off from writing, from chasing a pay cheque and having no certain plan for the future but I know, deep down that am going to now change the direction of my life and live it more mindfully and purposefully. That it is okay to say no to projects that do not inspire me. To dust long neglected dreams and make an attempt to live them.It is okay to not feel responsible for everything and everyone in your life and take some time to be by yourself. To not give in to anxiety when chapters end, people leave, challenges come calling and to understand that nothing that is meant for you ever leaves and stuff that falls off the wagon on bumpy roads, was not meant to travel with you, in the first place.
We alone must define what success means to us : Nothing anyone says or does can or should define us. We don’t owe anyone anything except basic humanity and decency and gratitude for the good and the bad they have brought to our life to teach us stuff we needed to learn. Success is something we don’t have to cut throats and stab unsuspecting backs for. And it need not be equated with brandishing your triumphs and blowing your trumpet. And if to me, it means, cooking a good meal and clearing my closet and sticking to an exercise regimen, so be it.
Toxic behaviour is unacceptable: It is okay to maintain boundaries and not put up with rude people. Indifferent people. Drama and conflict addicts. Opportunists. When you are treating folks far better than they are treating you, it is time to say goodbye without second guessing yourself . Trust goodbyes and hellos. They happen for a reason. Sometimes we gravitate towards people because we have not yet learnt to appreciate ourselves fully. And they mirror the disrespect we feel for ourselves, the lack of value we accord to our own selfhood. At some point, you do realise that a long rope is a wonderful thing and it can help someone to climb out of an abyss. But in the wrong hands, it can be dangerous and you cannot keep giving a long rope to someone who sees nothing in it except another opportunity to be insensitive and inconsiderate.
When people do not show up, they don’t want to : I have learnt that a relationship or a friendship is a flow of energy between two people. If you have people in your life whose role you are always uncertain of because they keep you on hold, do not return calls or answer messages, are inexplicably warm and totally inert in turns and won’t even offer explanations for their behaviour, they really do not want to make time for you. Just say goodbye quietly or loudly and don’t be surprised when they don’t notice your absence just as they failed to notice your presence. Trust that you will meet people who will respect you enough to treat you with obvious, unreserved affection and make time to be around you not just when they need something but just because they appreciate you as a human-being.
Folks who are overly critical of not just you but everyone else are only looking out for themselves : Those who can never find a kind word to say about others and life, who rejoice in the misery and embarrassment of everyone else to feel good about themselves, who are constantly manipulating you to share personal information but will never show you the underbelly of their life, who have an issue with your optimism, your faith in life, your fundamental beliefs as a human being, who constantly advise you to indulge in self-destructive behaviours, who wonder aloud how anything good can ever happen to you, who are not happy when you are happy and subliminally encourage you to lose your faith in the possibility of anything good happening to you personally or professionally…these folks…they need to go. For good.
People who are nice to your designation are looking for favours, not friendship: People who are only talking to your professional credentials, are warm, eager and generous with their time only when you can do something for them and suddenly lose interest when you can’t, need to go too.
Not everyone needs what you have to give : You may like going out of your way to be helpful and generous and patient and giving…it may be your thing, the one thing you think that comes effortlessly to you but you will meet people in this lifetime who do not need what you have to give. When your energy is bouncing off an inert wall, don’t wonder why. Move away and help someone who needs it. Sometimes, people attack you, dislike you, mistrust you for reasons that have nothing to do with you.It will come as a shock at times that your best is not good enough for some but don’t ever let that discourage you.
Let go of the stories: All the stories you think you have lived through and are imagining to be true, well..none of them are. Life is unpredictable. You basically are free right now, at this moment to live the way you want. Presumptions are a waste of time. You are either in the flow or not. In harmony with yourself or not. And that is the only part you can control. The way you choose to think about situations. How you manage your thoughts, your reactions. You can control nothing else. Make peace with the uncertainty, the doubt, the ‘what ifs.’ The questions that matter will be answered. The ones that don’t will fade away.
Talk to yourself, listen to yourself: Clarify what you want from life, from work, from relationships. Trust your instincts and you will always know when to hold on and when to let go. The one thing I did well this year is to know when to leave situations before they became too negative.
And finally: I learnt that you have to keep learning , relearning, unlearning yourself. It is a lifelong journey but totally worth it.
Reema Moudgil is the editor and co-founder of Unboxed Writers, the author of Perfect Eight, the editor of Chicken Soup for the Soul-Indian Women, a translator who recently interpreted Dominican poet Josefina Baez’s book Comrade Bliss Ain’t Playing in Hindi, an RJ with Timbre Media and an artist who has exhibited her work in India and the US and is now retailing some of her art at http://paintcollar.com/reema. She won an award for her writing/book from the Public Relations Council of India in association with Bangalore University, has written for a host of national and international magazines since 1994 on cinema, theatre, music, art, architecture and more. She hopes to travel more and to grow more dimensions as a person. And to be restful, and alive in equal measure.