I have caught myself telling myself “It’s OK” at all hours – odd hours, even hours, work hours, family hours, cooking hours, even sleep hours! So much so that it has, unbeknownst to me, gained admission to my class of habits and comes as naturally to me, as a sneeze in the middle of a perfectly normal day.

It pops up when I don’t get something I want, or when I have to do things much against my wishes, or when I am trying to console someone in circumstances beyond his or my control or when I have nothing left to say. I have often racked my brains as to when this word entered the lexicon of my sub-conscious. Or had it gate crashed? Was it because I was trying to emulate someone I idolized and had borrowed it from them? Was it a desperate attempt at mimicking today’s mega trend of positive thinking or was it just a meaningless utterance that filled in the uncomfortable silences, gaps or questions in life?

How had this phrase become an inevitable part of my life and identity? And then one day it happened. My colleagues began to call me  ‘ Ms OK’!  That’s when I decided to get some answers. As I became vigilant, I caught myself saying it a hundred times during the day, even just before I went to sleep; maybe I said it also in my sleep, only, I didn’t have a clue how I would include that in my count.

In the morning, it began the moment I opened my eyes to a new day, trying to nudge myself out of the warmth of my cozy blanket.  The mutter-under-the-breath had turned into a drone by mid afternoon and climaxed into a scream albeit ‘on mute’, only to finally dissolve unresolved into the cozy confines of my warm blanket yet again.

It began with the morning cuppa which I had to make, the household chores which I had to finish, at work where I had to meet a deadline, when an in-your-face 25 something walked away with a favor, without so much as a thank you; later during lunch hour when the phone screeched like an impatient hyena for me, and then in the evening while solving a math problem for the little one when the boss called with utter disregard for my personal time. It went on like an old nag late into the night while I cleaned up the kitchen, kept the garbage out, and finished some mails and a short story, until I fell into bed exhausted. The word has assumed ubiquitous proportions by now and followed me wherever I went. Even into my dream.

I woke up early the next morning, ready to take this gentle nemesis, this habit by its horns. I pulled it out of my sub-conscious, scratched it on a piece of paper and peered at it from atop my reading glasses. It looked dangerous, almost like a threat to my peace of mind, my happiness and most importantly to my ‘self’. I decided I had to do something. Or would live the rest of my life with it.

I picked up a red pen and scratched the words furiously, till they could be seen no longer. Then I tore the piece of paper with a vengeance and shredded it so fine, it would put a professional paper shredder to shame. I then proceeded calmly and burnt the entire thing till all that remained were the ashes.I had finally conquered it. I would never have to deal with the dreaded five letters – “It’s OK”.  Because I had just ripped them apart in the middle and had added another word to the five letters – ‘NOT.’
Sonali Brahma loves to write, read minds and life’s significant moments. She loves to write features on subjects that interest her, lend an ear to women in need, read and be a good mother to her son. She is a well-known copy writer and writes for the ad world, while renewing her zest by tutoring B School students in creative writing. You can reach her on writersonalibrahma@gmail.com