When we hear about women, who are ill-treated in Afghanistan, Pakistan and a few other countries, we often catch ourselves feeling happy about living in India, where we presume that many women are independent, safe and considered ‘equals’. While the recent crimes unleashed against women prove that this country is not really women-friendly, I reckon that we must also think of how women are oppressed in the name of marriage (more specifically arranged marriage) regardless of their education, upbringing and financial independence.
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In the last few years, to help a friend, who wanted his parents to find a girl for him, I visited a few matrimonial websites. Although I was honestly ashamed of checking matrimonial websites, for I am strongly against the whole system of arranged marriage, I gave in for my friend, who couldn’t make up his mind about his life partner. While he didn’t have any expectations, his parents had a list of things in mind, ideally, which the bride had to meet. For instance, the girl was expected to go to work, wake up early, cook for the whole family, take care of the household, have long hair, not wear sleeveless clothes, not wear jeans and kurtas to any occasions, not be fat and on top of all that, the girl needed to look ‘homely!’ And when I was informed of this list, I squirmed and rolled my eyes!
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While I couldn’t reason with the old parents of my friend and make them realise that their thoughts are regressive, I thought I should at least write here to the men, who are going to let their parents choose their wives and to the men, who are dreaming of marrying ‘homely’ girls.
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What exactly does the word ‘homely’ mean? Does it mean that the girl should wear traditional clothes? Does it also mean that the girls who wear salwar kameez and saree only conduct themselves appropriately? Does it mean that the girl’s primary role is to cook and take care of the house, while the men choose to watch TV? I can’t assimilate the fact that I am writing about the word ‘homely’ in the 21st century.
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Now let’s dissect the word ‘homely’ layer by layer. So if a girl is judged based on what she wears, how can one know for sure what their value system is? And why should girls be judged in the first place?
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And a homely girl is expected to only take care of the house. What does that exactly mean? When a man and a woman agree to live together for the rest of their lives, the responsibility of maintaining the house lies equally with both of them. Why should a woman alone cook, wash and clean the house? Why shouldn’t a man cook? Who categorized these responsibilities?
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Let’s presume that a woman chooses to be ‘homely’ and does all the menial chores and provides everything that is expected of her. But does anyone care to figure that women choose to be ‘homely’ at the expense of giving up their individuality and independence? That a ‘homely’ girl doesn’t exist but is groomed? Why should marriage clip a woman’s wings? Was a man ever asked to be homely and questioned about whether he would continue to work after marriage or after having a baby? I’m deeply upset with the young men of today, who are well educated and who work in reputed organizations, but still expect to marry someone, who is ‘homely’. Quite a few times, people throw disgusted glances at me when they see me wearing jeans to a wedding, when they learn that I don’t cook, when I dismiss their question ‘When will you give us the good news?’, when I openly say that life is just not about having a child, when I cut my hair short, when I talk about sex, when I confess that I have had a drink or two, when I support my LGBT friends, when I agree that ‘virginity’ is a myth, when I loudly record my opinions about pre-marital sex and when I ridicule this futile system of arranged marriage.
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To all the men, who are planning to get married, please keep these points in mind. Marriage doesn’t give you the right to choose someone just to take care of your parents, cook for your family, work and give her earnings to you, bear your offspring, satiate your carnal pleasures, wash your clothes and raise your children. Marriage is about choosing that one person, whom you will respect and shower with unconditional love. In my opinion, marriage is about making that ultimate choice of sharing your life with another person, who makes you a better person and who gets kicked about being their real-self with you! Let all the other trivial things be when you find the love of your life to live and share your life with.
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Deepika Ramesh-Thirugnanasambandam lives in Chennai with her husband, parents, a canine brother and a canine daughter. She works as a journalist during the day to pay bills, buy treats for her fur babies and dreams full time to nourish her soul. She reads because it is the easiest route to escape from reality and she writes because she likes helping others escape too. As she firmly believes that ‘Man is just a collection of chemicals with delusions of grandeur’ (Thanks Ayn Rand), she chooses to love, smile, hate, read, write, help and see life pass by. She blogs at http://doubtfulwriter.blogspot.in/
I agree with you. Well put.
I think 21st century should belong to ‘live-in’ n not love marriage. Love dies the very moment it needs shelter of security called marriage. Love dies the moment we try to capture n cage it. When two people r in love and decide to live together then they can just live-in in absolute freedom and not by the way of a contract.