I am envious of happy people. Before you judge, it’s not that I want them to suffer, nor do I wish that troubles afflict their lives.. I am just uncomfortable with happiness, I cannot be completely happy without the thought, ‘What if something goes wrong?’ And I think I can partly put the blame on the superstition which goes, ‘If you experience great joys today, sorrow and grief will follow soon.’ Again before you judge, I am not superstitious, but I think my brain just decided to be cautious.
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Why is it so difficult to be happy? I really don’t know. Had I known I wouldn’t be writing this piece. Often I’ve heard people say that only after you experience real sorrow , will you be grateful for the life you’re leading. They are right! But the truth is happiness depends upon an individual. I bet situations can alter that mood, but at the end of the day it always depends upon the person’s perspective. I don’t mean to whine, neither am I a pessimist. In fact most of the time I am pretty good at pretending to be having a great time, while secretly praying to God that nothing bad befalls.
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For a long time I had no idea why I was so uncomfortable on special occasions, or why I lacked the excitement and enthusiasm shared by my peers about happy moments. The answer was given to me by Khaled Hosseini (no kidding). It so happened that I was reading The Kite Runner, and in it the protagonist’s mother says that profound happiness scares her. And it hit me. That sentence answered all my questions. I was and still am scared of happiness, the thought that one day I may be bereft of the company of people I love, without any color in my life, that I may live in distress and sorrow prevents me from enjoying the present.
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I try not to think about such things. I try to live in the present without fearing the future. Often I have succeeded but it’s short lived, and many a times I find myself exactly where I began. Tolstoy’s opening line in his famous novel Anna Karenina was “Happy families are alike. Every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way” though I think it’s one of the best quotes any writer could come up with, it’s also one the finest truths of life, but I think the quote can be modified to , “Happy people are alike, every unhappy person is unhappy in his/her own way.” Nowadays people don’t need a reason to be upset. Even the changing of the seasons can cause depression, so I just thought that the modified saying is more relevant in today’s times.
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How am I planning to overcome this paranoia? I really have no idea but for now I am letting it be because maybe the world needs people like me too. Someone who can set boundaries for a joy that threatens to overwhelm.
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Sandra is a student, an amateur writer, reader, dreamer, shopaholic and the list goes on and on. She loves long walks on the beach and waking up to a wonderful breakfast, visiting new places and meeting new people. In short she likes every thing in life that is not black and white. Admires people who lead their life differently,who look beyond the obvious and seek to live their life according to their convictions, at their own pace and in own their time. She blogs at http://www.fortheperfectionistinme.blogspot.in/
Hi Sandra
I wd say let happiness be a consequence n not a result. If i say, in play i feel happy, in love i feel happy then its a natural consequence. But if i say that ‘coz i want to be happy i must play, i must love then it wd be longing for a result and the whole thing wd be bogus. Hapipiness can never be out of an effort, it just happens.
I wd say let’s not choose, let’s not resist, let’s not escape. Happiness has its own beauty and sadness has its own beauty its own deapth. I cannot say that i live only when i’m happy and i won’t live when i’m sad, both are to bo lived, both r needed. As a Raj Kapoor song says ” jab tak tu thokar na khayega
Pas kisi gum ko na jab tak bulayega
Zindgi hai cheese kya nahi jan payega
Rota hua aaya hi roota chala jayega”
I can’t agree more with you, but sometimes I wish if it were that easy, to look beyond the sad days and cherish the happy ones.