“So, you’re imagining things again.”
“You’re stupid. You always get it all wrong.”
“I never said that, it never happened.”
Rings a bell? It’s true that there are times when we can misunderstand, misinterpret or overreact to a situation. However, ask yourself, if it’s always true by putting your thoughts on trial under the light of facts.
Do you often find yourself dealing with someone who constantly violates your boundaries while hidden behind the mask of concern, speaks blatant lies with a straight face, denies having said or done something wrong, and when confronted pretends not to understand a thing, refuses to own up to their behaviour and perpetuates the role of a victim? And every single interaction with this person leaves you unsure about your own sense of reality?
Then add to it flattery and false affection that will utterly twist your interpretation of a scenario. So you just sit there lost, confused, swallowing guilt, double-guessing yourself and unable to make any sense of it. And the tricky part is since it’s all ‘in your head’ (read invisible) there’s no way you can prove it. What’s happening? Are you going crazy?
No you are not. Probably you just got gaslighted, one of the most subtle and sophisticated form of mental abuse, which if prolonged over a period of time and gone unidentified may sabotage your self esteem, efficiency and overall quality of life.
Imagine if the perpetrator is a close family member, spouse, a boss or someone you hold dear. Over a period of time, as you keep taking in this toxicity on a daily basis, you may see your self -confidence withering away and you may fall deeper into the pit of indecision and self doubt. And don’t feel surprised if you find yourself justifying the behaviour of the perpetrator by giving excuses on their behalf. “It’s for your own good” being the trademark of their behaviour. In fact confusion and self doubt are pretty much the tools used to put your sanity under scrutiny. Subconsciously, you may begin to wish that someday you would be “good enough” to meet this person’s standards. In other words, it’s like drinking a slow poison that alters your perception of reality as the thoughts in your head start clumping in a blurred mass and you begin losing the ability to discern one end from another, and may even believe the perpetrator’s judgement better than yours. That’s your mind being hijacked.
In the long run, being in such atmosphere may stifle your growth and adversely impact your well being. It’s important to create space from such unhealthy relationships, which I know, is easier said than done, as some of these are the people we love or have loved once or those we can’t physically distance from. Here are few things that one can do to deal with such manipulation and abuse.
Pay attention, stay mindful. Working on self awareness and maintaining as well as protecting your own perspective of reality is crucial. Identify and observe the situations when you feel manipulated which will help you look at the issue objectively. Work on creating physical space/emotional insulation to sort your thoughts.
Set boundaries with empathy. Empathy is a beautiful thing, but, my friend, do not confuse it for lack of boundaries. Rather it’s about understanding where a person comes from so that you can have the right boundaries in place without bitterness. They may have struggles and painful experiences of their own, their own sense of reality may be distorted or perhaps they believe their own lies, but none of it, in any way is a license for projecting the toxicity on to someone else. Empathize, stay kind, yet don’t fall in the guilt trap as you set boundaries with such people.
Say ‘No’ to toxicity. Stop being a drainage for others’ negativity. Your body knows it. Your mind knows it. Do not let the voice of your instincts drown in this noise of confusion. No matter what people say to discredit or minimize your pain (one of the common statements being “Someone else is having it worse”), know that you matter and so does your pain. Yes, there’s always going to be someone having it worse or better and it’s a great lesson to practice gratitude. However, how does it make your own suffering invalid?
Create a positive social circle to combat the negativity. It’s a great stress buster and also helps in boosting self esteem by reinstating your belief in yourself.
‘Invisible’ doesn’t mean ‘nonexistent’. It’s crucial to tend to your emotional hurts and needs so that you can reclaim your power on your life and rebuild your inner strength. You have the right to carve out a healthy space for your being. Claim your right.
Asma Ansari is a writer and mother and pens her intuitive, sensitive pieces on https://asmarked.blog/