It is true what they say – beauty lies in the eye of the beholder. The scene outside the window rarely changed. Whether it seemed verdant, misty and beautiful or simply bleak depended on her state of mind. Today, it appeared bleak.
Maybe it was the old nostalgic songs that brought up memories of the past and lost youth in wave after slightly sickening wave, or maybe it was simply an inability to decide what she wanted from life. Sometimes everything seemed clear and she felt she could be decisive, but not today. Doubts assailed her and the urge to sob caught at her throat. She should stop listening to the music! But the strains soothed, like scratching a half-healed scab. There was relief in the scratching although it prevented healing. Perverse, but there it was!
Life, she always said, was about choices. She considered her options. Each one would hurt someone, including herself. How, then, does one exercise free will and choice? She sat staring out the window for a long time. The wintry grey slowly turned an inky black. The silhouette of the bare trees were barely visible in the moonless night. There were no stars that night. But a few lights shone faintly in the distance..like comforting little patches of warmth.
Suddenly, while staring at the distant beacons that seemed to be communicating positive energy.. the answer was there. Just be!
Why did one have to choose an option? Each option carried within it expectations and the very problem lay in having expectations, in looking beyond now. Perhaps the answer is to live for now and let tomorrow be. Wasn’t not making any choice a choice too? Moreover, wasn’t the fact that she had options make her more fortunate that those who had none?
She shook her head clearing doubts and self-pity like a puppy walking in from the rain shaking off unwelcome drops. Some still clung but she felt lighter. As she stared at the inky void, she slowly made out a few pin points of stars. The longer she sat quietly gazing, the more stars gradually appeared. Suddenly they were everywhere, twinkling and beckoning.
They had been there all along. Only she had not been able to see them.
Rani Rao Innes is the senior partner and lead trainer of Link Communications, a specialized communications skills company based in the UK. She has regularly presented courses and training workshops for private and public business sectors as well as students and teachers in the UK, Belgium, Malaysia, Japan and India. She has also been active in theatre for 30 years and was the director of Canterbury Players in Kent for eight years.
Its a place we all have been. Yes, live each day!