Anthony Bourdain. Wiry, sunburnt, weather-worn, bristling with life and one liners that travelled like streaks of lightening through your mind and illuminated for a moment, thoughts and perspectives you had not considered before.
**
He was more than a vegetarianism baiter, a culinary provocateur and a man who berated some of the most famous chefs in the world. He was someone who habitually rearranged his own convictions and may be if he had lived longer, he would have extended his vast compassion for struggling communities on the fringe of the glamorous circles he was celebrated in, to the lives of animals as well. In fact, during a Punjab exploration, he had famously said in an interview to Eater,” If this was what vegetarianism meant in most of the places that practice it in the West, I’d be at least half as much less of a dick about the subject.” Whether or not, he would have expanded on that insight, remains now just part of some wishful thinking.
**
What is certain right now is that in the end, he could not fight for his own life. It is easy to judge those who can’t hold on. But as Bourdain himself advocated in his shows, before we judge, it is important to walk in someone’s shoes, hear their story, connect.
We don’t know the full story yet. Maybe, we never will. Maybe, it was depression. Maybe, just the desire to move from this world to the next. Or the inability to accomplish the most vital course correction. Of extending compassion to the self. And pausing a relentless journey to Parts Unknown (also the name of his last show) to rest in what was known and familiar.
**
My 20-year-old refuses to concede that the futility of fame and success had anything to do with his passing. People who are creative, charged and emotionally mercurial are susceptible to darkness because they imbibe it all, he says. They are vulnerable, regardless of fame or failure though both can precipitate and complicate mental health issues.
But enough of what caused the end.
**
My favourite Bourdain memory is from his breakout show Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations in the Rajasthan episode where after guzzling a few glasses of bhaang laced lassis, he fell asleep on an unending sand dune and then woke up hours later. Tousled, distant, almost unaware of the camera and looking at something beyond what was visible on screen.
**
That to me summed up who he was. Someone who transcended his fame and was never governed by it to behave in a certain way, or to say certain things, or to sell something, or to be something. He was not a prototype. With all his flaws, he was always himself.
Within the format of travel shows, journalism and the world of publishing, he created a sense of freedom and individuality that was unique and aspirational. He was nobody’s puppet and he set his own rules no matter what he did. Sometimes going too far with his summation of people and life. As when he equated chef Alice Waters with her dislike for junk food to members of Khmer Rouge.
**
But he turned a corner from this phase too. From a man who disparaged venerated culinary heroes, he became someone who began to voice his admiration for chefs whose work and beliefs humbled him. From someone who loved shooting his mouth off, he became, as a piece in New Yorker suggested, someone who listened. And learnt. And did, as we said before, course correction when needed.
**
Becoming a father at fifty had a lot to do with it. He said once, fatherhood made him realise that he was no longer the leading player of his story. He also became unflinchingly introspective, and post the “Me Too” revelations that rocked multiple industries , wrote an essay to own his role in romanticising the negative aspects of the food industry in his bestselling book Kitchen Confidential.
**
He wrote, “To the extent which my work in ‘Kitchen Confidential’ celebrated or prolonged a culture that allowed the kind of grotesque behaviors we’re hearing about all too frequently is something I think about daily, with real remorse.”
Part of this realisation came courtesy girlfriend Asia Argento who was raped by Harvey Weinstein at Cannes in 1997.
**
But there was a lot in Bourdain’s life that could not be controlled and tamed. Like the momentum of his success that broke his second marriage. He did clean up his past thick with drug addiction and substance dependence and even trained for and received a blue belt in Jiu-Jitsu but there was something that lingered. Something that could not remain dormant.
**
Like my 20-year old said, “Human beings are messy and we can’t fathom everything they are.” So yes, we can only choose what and who we can be. And there was a lot that Anthony Bourdain could teach us. About other cultures, human-beings and milieus that are usually ignored by glamour and luxury driven travel shows and consumer industries. He was genuinely interested in the human condition, its beauty and grace and generosity under the most trying of circumstances.
**
But as he said once, “Life is complicated. It’s filled with nuance. It’s unsatisfying… If I believe in anything, it is doubt. The root cause of all life’s problems is looking for a simple fucking answer.”
**
Maybe he was right. Maybe, wrong. Maybe, the simplest answer is that life is what we believe it to be. Maybe, it does not have to be unsatisfying. Maybe, it is okay to trust more and doubt less. And maybe , the most important decision we can ever make is to call someone we love when the night of the soul seems insurmountable.
Reema Moudgil is the editor and co-founder of Unboxed Writers, the author of Perfect Eight, the editor of Chicken Soup for the Soul-Indian Women, a translator who recently interpreted Dominican poet Josefina Baez’s book Comrade Bliss Ain’t Playing in Hindi, an RJ and an artist who has exhibited her work in India and the US. She won an award for her writing/book from the Public Relations Council of India in association with Bangalore University, has written for a host of national and international magazines since 1994 on cinema, theatre, music, art, architecture and more. She hopes to travel more and to grow more dimensions as a person. And to be restful, and alive in equal measure.