We Hollywood groupies are a spoiled lot. Just because Ricky Gervais made the Golden Globes lip-smackingly outrageous last year, we expected him to stay true to his irreverent form this year. What we got instead were insults that were cringe-making, with no trace of 2011’s ‘there’s a grain of truth here so suck it up, you lot in your ivory towers.’

The problem with the funny man in 2012 was not that he was ‘too tame’ as critics are saying, but that he was, shock..horror, not funny. Telling Elton John he was introducing Madonna and not him because Madonna is ‘all woman’? Ricky, lay off the juice. Presenter Colin Firth came onstage saying he saw protesters outside the Globes venue “threatening us all with brimstone and pestilence and perdition for our sins….what they don’t realise is – we have Ricky.” Now THAT was funny.

Madonna tried to slap Ricky down but being Madonna (bitchy, self-obsessed, cold) she fell flat on her too-Botoxed face (at least she wouldn’t have felt anything). What people are up-in-arms about (apart from her man-arms revealed most unflatteringly in a too-tight dress) is that it was all about her, not a word about her team, when she collected her Globe for Best Original Song, ‘Masterpiece‘.

In fact, the wins were weird and wonderful, with Christopher Plummer beating Bryan Cranston, Madonna beating Elton, ‘The Artist’ coming out of left field, Kate Winslet debuting another inexplicable date and dogs prancing on stage.

For more of the same, here are my awards for the night:

Coolest Dude: Johnny Depp, his well-modulated voice, his snazzy suit, his soft reply to Gervais, need we say more. Yes, he’s also smart. 1. He’s with Vanessa Paradis. 2. He lives in France away from American loons; he only has to worry about French ones who are way more sophisticated in their looniness.

Best Question: Americans will forgive everyone but  the unfaithful. How do you not understand the game you’re playing? So presenter Ashton Kutcher comes out looking like someone stole his cat and Angelina sits tight next to her trophy with no one speaking to her in a room otherwise full of camaraderie. How she got nominated for her directorial debut ‘In the Land of  Blood and Honey‘ when it’s barely out (has anyone even seen it?) is beyond me, especially considering what a one-trick pony she is when it comes to her acting capabilities: She can play herself, as in ‘Girl Interrupted‘ and ‘Gia‘, but ask for anything more – think ‘Lara Croft‘, ‘Salt‘ or ‘The Tourist‘ – and you’ll be waiting a long time. The Mayan doomsday prophecy can’t come soon enough if we have to sit through another one of her movies.

Most Questionable Outfit: Elle Macpherson’s wedding ensemble.

Strangest Moment: Not Seth Rogan talking about his erection (!) standing next to Kate Beckinsale (whose response was classic : ‘How nice’), but Matt Le Blanc in his real-life role of shy, nervous persona accepting his award for ‘Episodes‘. It’s always startling to discover people are not who they pretend to be.

Best Dress: Angelina Jolie in Versace, all that white, slashed and cinched-in gorgeousness with a strip of red I think speaks for her as a person: More innocent than she would like us to believe with a streak of wildness she wishes was all we would see. Another head-scratcher for celebs seems to be the question of Size Zero. No, it doesn’t always look good. La Jolie’s face has become too big for her thread-like body.

Best Speech: Christopher Plummer won Best Supporting Actor for ‘Beginners‘ and thanked those in the film who kept supplying him with “religiously-full Martinis,” and his wife of 43 years whose “bravery and beauty haunts me still.” Ok, I admit it, I cried. Where are the Christopher Plummers in our sorry love lives?

Most Interesting New Face:  Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture – Comedy Or Musical, Monsieur Jean Dujardin. The most handsome man I’ve seen in years. It’s not a Brad Pitt prettiness, thank God, it’s a face that’s strong, masculine and full of passion. He actually did a tap dance after collecting his award. Where are the Jean Dujardins in our sorry love lives?

Most Moving: Sidney ‘They call me Mister Tibbs’ Poitier who looks like he is dying before our eyes. We’ve already had to deal with The Hitch passing on to that great library in the sky, I don’t know if we’re ready for another public Fade Out.

Most Popular: George Clooney, Best Actor, Drama, ‘The Descendents.’ Nice guy, humanitarian, talent that’s tangible, but what’s with him and women? It’s been, three in three years? But I like the way he treats each one as though she is The One, taking them to award shows, on board yachts, for bike rides, giving them respectful kisses in public. It’s laughable because it’s all time–bound. Maybe George should have dinner with the Plummers in his Lake Como villa and learn something he doesn’t seem to know.

Final note: Award winners always walk toward presenters after their speeches and are told to go the other way, this happens every single year. Why don’t they make presenters stand against the Exits? This, of course, may be as much of a conundrum as wondering what in the name of all that’s holy presenter Freida Pinto was wearing that evening.

Sheba Thayil is a journalist and writer. She was born in Bombay, brought up in Hong Kong, and exiled to Bangalore. While editing, writing and working in varied places like The Economic Times, Gulf Daily News, New Indian Express and Cosmopolitan, it is the movies and books, she says, that have always sustained her. She blogs at http://shebathayil.blogspot.com/