In this world of little forgotten things, finding one’s true purpose seems to be of quintessential significance. You got to have an unwavering, steadfast reply to the question “ Who are you”?
I don’t have one. I’d like to say, “Hey, I’m Sandra, I’m a writer”, but that’s just a load of crap. I’m no writer, I haven’t written a single word for an article or a story in the last 11 months. There are people with lives busier than mine, who manage to produce a draft of 300 words and more every week while I always sit before the empty page- thinking, phrasing, erasing, rethinking and erasing again.
Off late, I’ve been going through my blog, reading through parts I like, and I’ve realized that I write when I’m sad. I am a sad writer. Period.
I don’t write to relieve the heaviness in my heart, or to swallow the ball of grief down my throat nor does the sympathy help me. I guess I write because it’s so hard to open up face to face before another person, to show them your soul, have them check the scars that sorrow has left behind. I can’t say that it does not feel better to be held when you’re at the rock bottom, but why does a strange fear, paralyse my hand just before reaching out?
Frankly, I’m tired of being anxious, I feel old sitting on this seesaw of life squealing in delight on one day and experiencing the gravity of despair on the other. Sure, I know I’m being weepy. Are there people with bigger problems than what I have? Of course there are! Does it make me feel better? Never.
I have never been able to wrap my head around just why people have to suffer any form of pain, like when God decides that someone has to go through something traumatic, how does he convince himself to inflict that? Does he go like “Oh! I bet A could use some hurdle-overcoming skill now, that would definitely make A stronger”.
I don’t want to be strong, I don’t want to wear a badge that says, “Brave in times of adversity”. All I want is to be happy, for people around me to be happy, to live in a sorrow free world. Now, where do you find such a place?
Sandra is a student, an amateur writer, reader, dreamer and the list goes on and on. She loves long walks on the beach and waking up to a wonderful breakfast, visiting new places and meeting new people. In short she likes every thing in life that is not black and white. Admires people who lead their life differently,who look beyond the obvious and seek to live their life according to their convictions, at their own pace and in their own time. She blogs at http://www.fortheperfectionistinme.blogspot.in