I have recently been editing papers about women’s empowerment and the plight of the downtrodden Dalit women in the Indian hinterland, and thinking that most Indian women, even in the so-called ‘upper strata’ in metros don’t have it so hot either! Maybe in terms of sheer physical labor and material hardships they are much better off than the class of women usually targeted by international fora, surveys and programs. However, in terms of psychological exploitation, the plight of most ‘upper class’ women is no less.
This might sound somewhat off the mark – aren’t ‘upper class’ women in metros the ones who are a walking display of designer labels and jewels, the main prop of beauty salons, massage parlours and malls, not to mention boutiques, restaurants, the entertainment industry, the travel and hospitality industry and the domestic labour market? Where does one come in, comparing them with downtrodden Dalit women?
The comparison, so to say, comes in when a highly educated professional from a ‘good family’ is physically abused by her ‘better half’ because she went for a cup of coffee with colleagues from office and his mom had to have her evening tea made by the domestic help … it comes in when a tycoon’s trophy wife is not ‘allowed’ the time or space to recover fully from a hysterectomy because he needs his picture perfect hostess within a week of her surgery (those designer labels and jewels are, after all, investment, and his business socializing cannot wait upon the vagaries of something as trivial as her health!) … it comes in when a perfectly sane, healthy, capable and self-supporting woman lies about visiting her parents or personal friends to avoid irrational showdowns at ‘home’ … it comes in when a highly qualified professional, who runs her home, works full-time at a high-profile job, and handles the wherewithal of raising her children single-handedly, is put down and constantly criticized by her spouse who is still steeped in the age-old myths about male superiority and whose fragile ago is bruised by her lack of dependence on him (which he would have resented, in any case) … and it comes in, in a million other such instances that take place all around us but are carefully kept under wraps.
And the pity of it is that while the economically backward women are more a victim of scarcity of material resources, wherein they end up bearing all sorts of extra physical and emotional burdens, the so-called ‘privileged women’ are entirely victims of their own social conditioning. Quite a few of them have it in their own hands to break free of the yoke of age-old unfair expectations that shackle their lives, but precepts of izzat drummed into their minds from day one are stronger than their survival instinct in most cases! Honourable women, after all, don’t wash their dirty linen in public!
This emotionally and mentally paralyzing notion of izzat has, incidentally, been dealt with in an extremely insightful manner in Raj Kumar Santoshi’s pathbreaking movie Lajja, as it explores the turmoil of the quintessential Indian woman’s psyche. The mot juste, so to say, is summed up in one piognant statement: “Sabki izzat ladki ke haath mein hoti hai: ladki ki koi izzat nahin hoti” (A woman is responsible for upholding everybody’s honor, but she has no honor of her own)!
The fact, however, remains that others/ our families/ society at large are able to do this to us because we let them. Somewhere traditionally brought up Indian women suffer from low self-esteem and spend a large part of their lives apologizing for being women! Since our traditional patriarchal system obliges a woman to leave the security of her parental home and transplant herself into her husband’s family upon marriage, and make a place for herself among a set of unknown people, her parents often (maybe subconsciously) start preparing her for this transition from a very early age, instilling in her the belief that she doesn’t really matter … that her life can only be fulfilled by making everyone in the family happy, by being all things to everybody—whatever be the cost to herself!
And so, the women of izzatdaar families grow up believing that they are put on earth solely for the purpose of facilitating their menfolk and their families in every way … that it is a mortal sin to even think for themselves, or of themselves.
What women – especially those who, despite being born and married into well-off families, are living out their lives being put down by others and saying thanks for it – need to realize is that they are fortunate in not having to struggle to make ends meet. And also that at some level their conformity to the anachronistic expectations of traditional patriarchal societal norms – either due to sheer apathy, or due to fear of jeopardizing their position in the family and in society – is setting the tone for their own daughters’ conditioning and psychological patterns that could haunt them all their lives.
So, if they ever want to hold their heads high, and wish the same for their daughters, they need to break out of this bind and realize that family ties are not a one-way street: if women need their families, the families need them too. And if they cannot get some basic respect and rights as equal human beings and as members of the family, then maybe it’s time for them to rethink their priorities in life!
This does not, in any sense, mean that women break free of their families, but only that they make a serious effort to exorcise their bone-deep ‘martyr’ conditioning. That instead of being solely focused on being ‘all things to all people’ in the family, to channelize some part of their mind and will into their own independent pursuits and things that give THEM pleasure or satisfaction (with or without monetary gain), without feeling guilty about it.
Women (and not just Asian ones) need to understand that it is their right to receive love and caring and nurturing, the same way that they give it to their families and to everyone around them. And for this women need to break out of the abalaa (helpless, clinging vine) mode and find the Shakti (the Mother Goddess) within them – to factor in the concepts of ‘I want’, ‘I need’, ‘I like’ and ‘I will’ into their psyches and behaviour patterns!